.. .: :: Francesca's delirium :: :. ..

I can't believe it!
More than a month has already passed since I posted the previous message!!!
Why does the time fly so much more quickly here than in Trieste? I guess it's the distances, and the means of transport which are honestly terribly slow. Maybe it's because of the traffic, but there are also a lot of works thanks to which the northern line is always replaced by buses and would you believe it? Tomorrow there will be an other strike, so both the buses from Muswell Hill will not work. Oh no, have to leave very early and walk to the tube station.
Ok. Enough rambling. For tonight. Maybe. Hehe. Forget about it. I'm in those days when you are reminded that you are a women, and then I am depressed and cross.

First thing: happy birthday mum! You don't know English, you never surf the internet, you don't even know what a blog is. We've already talked for half an hour this morning, but well, I thought you deserve to be mentioned here :)
I love you even if you don't understand me :)
My mum is the only person in the world who celerates 2 birthdays. She used to celebrate it on November 19th with her parents and sisters, because her mother told her she was born on 19th, but her birthday was registered 3 days after her birth, on 21st, so my father always wanted us to celebrate it on 21st. But since I discovered that, I wanted to celebrate it on 19th. In any case, she gets my best wishes twice a year :)

I know, I know, I might sound pathetic... Well, you know what? I'm Italian, did you forget this? So, I am allowed to dedicate my post to my crazy mum who is happiest when I draw a greeting card for her :)

Let's change topic now. You wouldn't believe it, but what I wrote in the previous post was wrong. The last episode of Jane Eyre the miniseries by BBC1 was awful! They ruined everything! How can you turn a miniseries which was very promising into rubbish in just the last of 4 episodes? Did the director get completely drunk after making the first 3? How can you turn Jane's and Rochester's relationship into a 21st century love affair? I mean, I didn't see pornography. No nudes. Just advanced petting. It would have been nothing in 'Beverly Hills 90210'. But the Jane Eyre I want to see reacts differently. She can't just accept that her almost-husband is married. She rejects his embraces and kisses.
Her heart is a battlefield for passion and reason. But she can control herself at last. Her flesh never wins. She manages to look determined, and cold. She resists her passions and Rochester. And she does go away because she knows this is the thing to do.
You know, Jane didn't have the happiest life; she was mobbed by her aunt and cousins and sent to a boarding school run by an insane frustrated woman, she lost her only beloved friend when both were still children, and she had to learn that the only way to survive that school was to become disciplinated, meek and docile. But I wouldn't say she is repressed. Not if you consider that she lives in the 19th century. Actually, she is a very independent spirit, burning with passion and, the thing I love most, she never loses self-esteem and self-respect. She talks to the man she loves as if they belonged to the same rank, and indeed she ends up becoming her master's master.

Oh, I want to read the book again! But I haven't read a book for months!
I still have to read all the works by Jane Austen *_*
I haven't even flipped the pages of the big wonderful illustrated book I had for my birthday ç_ç

I will not go on talking about the miniseries, about some scenes which were cut off and especially about the last scene of the last episode, absolutely the worst thing ever >_<
Let me just dedicate the following quote to all the women who think they need to be loved more...
(Thank you Miss Bronte. Wish you were here. I would shake hands and ask you for an autograph ^_^)

"This was true: and while he spoke my very conscience and reason turned traitors against me, and charged me with crime in resisting him. They spoke almost as loud as feeling: and that clamoured wildly. "Oh, comply!" it said. "Think of his misery; think of his danger -- look at his state when left alone; remember his headlong nature; consider the recklessness following on despair -- soothe him; save him; love him; tell him you love him and will be his. Who in the world cares for YOU? or who will be injured by what you do?"
Still indomitable was the reply -- "I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad -- as I am now."

Anyway, sooner or later I will buy the DVD. The first 3 episodes are worth while :)
And I tried to win the script of episode 1 from the BBC website, but I was not lucky :(

You know what? I didn't tell my au pair family about my birthday, but they found out by chance (they asked me and I wasn't able to lie) a few days later so they made a sort-of surprise party for me! Actually there was no surprise because they were acting too weird, and I figured it out... Anyway they were very sweet. We went for a walk to the wonderful Hampstead heath, they made a delicious orange and rosemary cake, and they bought marshmallows and meringues, which I am absolutely crazy for (or I'd better say 'obsessed by'). And they gave me 2 presents: a lovely pullover with the colors of autumn and a book with the biography of Jane Austen :)
It was really nice of them, isn't it? It helped me to be less sad :p

This was the first birthday I hadn't celebrated with my brother and sister (whose birthday is 9 days after mine) in our favourite restaurant in Slovenia.
This will be the first december I will not spend with my sister visiting Christmas fairs and markets, eating candy floss.
But she promised me that when I am in Trieste for Christmas holidays she will take me to a Chinese restaurant she has just found, which she says is not worse than our favourite 'Cina Cina'. I can't wait :)
And I asked my mother to buy my favourite sweets, I am going to kill my stomach in my 5 days in Italy LOL

Sometimes I think I didn't do the right thing when I decided to be an au pair. Sometimes it's really hard. I mean, it's a lot of hours every day. And then the English course in the mornings, and then the computer course on Wednesday afternoon, and all the hours spent in the bus. No time for me. No time for social life. No time for art. No time for my emails, I feel so bad about it! You know, I didn't have internet connection for the first 2 weeks here, and I left behind a lot of emails to answer... They are still anunswered. I will do it! Please be patient!
In the nights I am just too tired even to switch the TV on. A few people who really support me are scolding me... They say I should give up English courses and au pair job, live on my own and try to find the job I dream of.
Maybe they are right. I don't know.
I cannot imagine what I will do on August, when school finishes and I have to get back to Italy.
Unemployed again, a shame for my family again. And so on.
On the other hand, I do want to spend this year as an au pair. I want to be obliged to communicate only in English, in a English family. I want not to worry about room and board. And I am not so sure that I can find a good job like that. I mean, if I have to pay for the rent, I will take the first job I can find, that is waitress or cleaning woman. So, no much difference. And I do like Polly and her daughters.
Then, I will be a student for one more year. How long will it take me to understand what I want to do with my life? I am so confused!!! God, please, give me a sign. Or maybe some more grey matter LOL

Anyway, I don't have much time to think and meditate. I have a project to give in by mid December for the php course.
And tomorrow is the beginning of a terrible week. We have the first term exams for the ESOL English course. I have to pass all the exams of the 3 terms to get a certificate, and I am so worried about that!!!
So, instead of writing all these useless words, I should read some articles because tomorrow we will be tested on group discussions about a topic. And the following day, I have to present on a topic I chose. My voice will be recorded and examined by 3 different committees. I hate to have my voice recorded! I would prefer to speak in front of thousands people!
I had to cancel the flight my family booked for the first week of december and I lost a lot of money (it's all my ex-au pair family's fault!). I will be in Italy from 24th to 29th of December. Before that date, the exams and the project have to be finished.

Didn't I say enough rambling? Oh come on, this will help me tomorrow. Maybe I'm satisfied with all these words, and tomorrow I will be a little more quiet. My tutor warned me that I talk too much in group discussion, and this is bad for the whole group. Talk too much?? MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?


ok I'll go. Let me dedicate this image to those women who like me can't resist chocolate when those terrible days arrive. I'm quite proud of this photo! Hehe.




Good night. Have a nice week. Support me. Hugs.

PS. I will update my photo blog very soon!!! October is almost ready!!! Next weekend maybe!!!